“You’d rather change the outside world than do the inner work of altering your response to it.”
Blaming, complaining, comparing, judging, criticising others is usually much easier than reflecting, introspecting and analysing our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours and then correcting our responses and actions. I believe we do this because it’s harder to admit and acknowledge to ourselves and then to change our familiar patterns.
Also it’s easier to think we can influence, control or otherwise change people, it somehow seems more enjoyable and controllable.
For me the opposite is true, in the end. I start off looking outwards and try to change the external before turning inward. After much resistance and drama, I start inwardly reflecting, in other words introspecting.
If I can open my heart, be still and listen to my higher self, I find that the answers come like downloads and they don’t feel so intense or resistant. The wisdom I receive are usually simple. I felt hurt, so I said mean things, instead of being compassionate to myself; I wanted to be heard so I shouted, instead of asking; I was controlling because I was projecting my loss of control, instead of sitting with the discomfort, etc.
In the end all we want as human beings is to connect with each other and have meaningful conversations, and each of us need to ask ourselves “Would this action make me feel closer to or more distant from the other?”
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi
Why I believe digital detox is a good practice for connection with people we love.
When a device is on and is showing you something entertaining, we cannot help ourselves but glance at it. It’s pulling us in with all the bright colours and feeding our fear of missing out if we ignore the latest news. Because the power of a screen is so great and we are instantly tempted to have a look, it becomes a battle of wills to keep our hands off our devices.
I think it’s a good idea to switch the phone or tablet off altogether for an extended amount of time, whether that’s for an hour, a day or a weekend. Try a digital detox and see how this affects you and your family’s moods, time, concentration, etc.
I believe that the quality of conversations and relationships in general are being degraded by the distraction of those devices. If we want to have a meaningful conversation with a loved one, we would fare better if we put away our phones so that we can focus on each other. This is especially true for when we talk to children. They notice when we, the adults, are not paying attention to them, which after many occasions, might impact their self-esteem and how they value themselves. Then they might start copying us and do the same when they are on their phones/tablets. They need to learn to engage in conversation but only us, the adults, can teach them how by example. Let’s all put our phones down and listen to our loved ones.
2 May 2017
These are some of the tips I hear from couples that have worked at their long term relationship that contribute to a sense of closeness and intimacy. Previously they’ve grown distant and felt detached from their partners but by adopting these tips, they’ve closed the gap and created intimacy and contentment in their relationships. Relationships need maintenance and hard work to thrive. Here’s an easy guide on how to get started.
Tip 1: Schedule “couple time” once a week. And actually talk and listen to each other. No distractions: no phones, no TV, no kids or pets. Some couples prefer to be at home in the evening, others prefer to go out for a Sunday coffee in a local cafe or going for a walk.
Tip 2: Keep in contact throughout the week. Text, call, email to keep each other up to date with activities and events that concern both of you and your family. I hear this a lot, most people don’t like feeling caught out on a daily/weekly basis, especially when they’re already busy.
Tip 3: Find a fun hobby. When you are having fun together, that’s when you remember what it was like when you first met. If you don’t share a hobby, try something new, like salsa dancing, a cookery course, play tennis, pottery or learn a new language. It’s not all about work to pay the bills.
Tip 4: Eat together at least once a week. When you’re both busy, your schedules might not align and you might miss each other and your news. If you make it a habit to sit down and enjoy a meal together, it’s likely to add to a sense of closeness.
Tip 5: Date night. Plan a date night once a month. So many couples say they like the idea of date nights but hardly ever carry through on their plans and wishes. By spending quality time together when you’re both relaxed, it’s bound to increase closeness and intimacy, and a sense of togetherness.